TL Boehm - Writer

So here I am - coming off of what, my third week of working sixty hours a week because some ingrate had the neuticals to walk off the job - leaving me to do hers AND mine - not like this is freakin' BURGER KING (here, hold my fries, will you) and any drone with a paper hat and bicolored polo shirt can step in - NYEWWWWW. 40 other people are counting on ME to make sure their incomes are....well....coming in. Oh but she breaks an emotional nail and SNAPS in mid sentence....must be nice to be able to bale on the universe without so much as a second thought.

Oh yes, we have a new victim uh...temp person but damn. I didn't have time to scratch and pee let alone TRAIN someone to do someone else's job. I'm toast, people. TOAST. Tired of goin in to work at SIX A FLIPPIN EM and getting home at quarter till seven pm. It's old already. I drove my fam nuts to get a degree so I wouldn't have to sell my very soul to the corporate MONSTER. Seriously. And here I am. working 12 hour days just to get by. I am ever so chapped.

Ya'd think the familia would take pity on a girl but no...the troll calls me yesterday whilst I am posting and coding and sweating my newts off trying to get everything done and says "Which one of you a**holes ate my turkey leg?" (oh no he DIDN'T!) (teen pummeled by poultry appendage....film at eleven) The incorrigible toad. A pox on his angsty hide. Suffice it to say, my coworker in the next room learned several new expletives. I heard her giggling. Not sure why. Perhaps she overheard my rhetorical musings regarding the feasibility of lobotomizing a troll with poultry parts....or simply using his empty dome for a pinata....I don't know.

So this morning I got up at five fifteen because the shooting pain in my shoulder and arm would not abate...(too much cozying up to the mouse I guess - and no damnitol in site) and I cleaned out my closet. How is it possible that my closet is still full when I took out FIVE garbage bags of clothing that will never cover both cheeks...or even one...I don't know.

And here I am. I spent an hour sucking a beer and designing a meez. I've truly lost my mind.

Tomorrow - I usher in both services (I love my husband. The beastmaster...) and then I get to go spend time with the WSM (wicked step mother. Her nomenclature, not mine) to help her clean out my dad's things. As if crying every morning and every evening isn't enough. Lets plan a scourging and biscuits for high tea, shall we?

I stepped down from the front desk at church and I am not attending any small groups this summer. I actually had a small storyline cooking on the way to work (when I wasn't being run off the road by Guido, Vito, and Clyde in their dualie) for Bethany's sequel. Which by the way...my dream of world domination and adulation by the masses has totally tanked. Not real sure why I got the opposite of "more time to write" when I specifically prayed for "more time to write" but now its more like "no time to write." I feel like I spit in God's Holy Mocha Latte....and since he knows everything...I'm not the favorite meat sack today.

But there is a silver lining (I pray its really silver and not mercury, you know? I'm crazy enough) my boss is out of town next week. There will be blogging and whining, spit and vilification, and maybe even Oh My COWS! something poetic...(Not)

We'll see. Right now I must away...the bipeds have Big Bertha in pieces on the diningroom table. I'm afraid...Very afraid. (Bertha is a lazer printer...easy girl...wow that's a really big screwdriver they have there....)

So here I am - coming off of what, my third week of working sixty hours a week because some ingrate had the neuticals to walk off the job - leaving me to do hers AND mine - not like this is freakin' BURGER KING (here, hold my fries, will you) and any drone with a paper hat and bicolored polo shirt can step in - NYEWWWWW. 40 other people are counting on ME to make sure their incomes are....well....coming in. Oh but she breaks an emotional nail and SNAPS in mid sentence....must be nice to be able to bale on the universe without so much as a second thought.

Oh yes, we have a new victim uh...temp person but damn. I didn't have time to scratch and pee let alone TRAIN someone to do someone else's job. I'm toast, people. TOAST. Tired of goin in to work at SIX A FLIPPIN EM and getting home at quarter till seven pm. It's old already. I drove my fam nuts to get a degree so I wouldn't have to sell my very soul to the corporate MONSTER. Seriously. And here I am. working 12 hour days just to get by. I am ever so chapped.

Ya'd think the familia would take pity on a girl but no...the troll calls me yesterday whilst I am posting and coding and sweating my newts off trying to get everything done and says "Which one of you a**holes ate my turkey leg?" (oh no he DIDN'T!) (teen pummeled by poultry appendage....film at eleven) The incorrigible toad. A pox on his angsty hide. Suffice it to say, my coworker in the next room learned several new expletives. I heard her giggling. Not sure why. Perhaps she overheard my rhetorical musings regarding the feasibility of lobotomizing a troll with poultry parts....or simply using his empty dome for a pinata....I don't know.

So this morning I got up at five fifteen because the shooting pain in my shoulder and arm would not abate...(too much cozying up to the mouse I guess - and no damnitol in site) and I cleaned out my closet. How is it possible that my closet is still full when I took out FIVE garbage bags of clothing that will never cover both cheeks...or even one...I don't know.

And here I am. I spent an hour sucking a beer and designing a meez. I've truly lost my mind.

Tomorrow - I usher in both services (I love my husband. The beastmaster...) and then I get to go spend time with the WSM (wicked step mother. Her nomenclature, not mine) to help her clean out my dad's things. As if crying every morning and every evening isn't enough. Lets plan a scourging and biscuits for high tea, shall we?

I stepped down from the front desk at church and I am not attending any small groups this summer. I actually had a small storyline cooking on the way to work (when I wasn't being run off the road by Guido, Vito, and Clyde in their dualie) for Bethany's sequel. Which by the way...my dream of world domination and adulation by the masses has totally tanked. Not real sure why I got the opposite of "more time to write" when I specifically prayed for "more time to write" but now its more like "no time to write." I feel like I spit in God's Holy Mocha Latte....and since he knows everything...I'm not the favorite meat sack today.

But there is a silver lining (I pray its really silver and not mercury, you know? I'm crazy enough) my boss is out of town next week. There will be blogging and whining, spit and vilification, and maybe even Oh My COWS! something poetic...(Not)

We'll see. Right now I must away...the bipeds have Big Bertha in pieces on the diningroom table. I'm afraid...Very afraid. (Bertha is a lazer printer...easy girl...wow that's a really big screwdriver they have there....)

At the end of the hallway at work there is a large round mirror. Every morning when I walk toward my office - I am confronted by my own personal portrait of ugliness....

Its difficult to find a picture of my family together because of that ugliness. My boys are awesome - all three of them and I want to show them off. So I have to suck it up, you know?

Anyway. I guess it started last year in November when the TPB's decided to lay off my coworker of five years and bring in some new, aggressive blood. (I'm often pinned for my spineless inclinations, sigh) Training the new kid, dodging bullets and picking up the debris from the old horse passing would have been more than enough but there were audits and issues beyond the normal scope of operations - and I was caught up in the mess. I thought it would be temporary...

Then God hit the fast forward button on my Dad's inevitable terminal disease. I spent a weekend with him in April - he had this routine...two weeks later I spent a day and he was bedridden...May 6 was the last time he looked at me and spoke to me...May 9th I watched my son break down as he helped me change Dad's diaper...and on the 10th he was gone.

Fred, my awesome kid graduated on the 14th and on the 16th I said that formal goodbye to Dad...I went back to work on the 18th...And my coworker walked off the job on the 20th over "principles" I stood there - watching her little chin quiver because she felt mistreated by the TPBs and I told her she shouldn't just walk...but she did. Her position is critical. She did the billing for our contract...roughly 16 hours worth of "normal" work to generate a 100k billing subject to audit...while accounting isn't rocket science - what we bill for IS...and more. And so I was the only person around who could step in...because I am the only other person there...

Since the 20th I have been putting in 12 hour days. I worked last Saturday. I brought work home last Monday. We have a temp but I haven't really had time to train her to do much but answer phones and file and return vendor calls. The billing is complex. It will be weeks, maybe months. And we still have financials and audits....

Suffice it to say, I start my day crying. And I end it crying. There is no processing of grief. Just raw tears.

So I had this talk this morning with the hub. I don't even know who I am anymore. He's a guy. He gives black and white answers like: "if you want to write....write..."

So here I am. I'm a mess of epic proportions. My heart is full of grief and anger and that ache that threatens to burst out in uncontrollable SCREAMING! I don't know - if I put my hand to paper what venom will come out...I just know it won't be "Beautiful" to read. But for whatever its worth, I'm back. Fat, ugly, pissed off, disappointed in my God, overwhelmed by my situation and pretty much hopeless...except for that tiny remembrance of words on paper...the unfolding of poetry and prose...whispers of dreams and destinies....the embrace of a world where I don't hurt and there is healing at the end of the page...I can almost get there from here.

It won't be every day. And it won't be pretty. There will be cussing. There will be dirges. But I am at bottom now. And this morning...my husband - he lifted my scarred, mutated, monster face to the light and said...you ARE....

I am....

Great Grandfather - Tracy Hughes - WWI POW Japan

Great Uncle - Paul Nelson - WWII - Army - Killed in skies over Germany

Great Uncle - Thomas Nelson WWII - Army

Grandfather - Theodore Lindquist WWII Army

Grandmother - Charlotte Lindquist - employed in Munising at a woodenware plant - plant made bullets during WWII

Grandfather - Wm Francis Hughes - Held at Ellis Island WWII

Grandfather - Fred Bliss - Korea - Purple Heart (glider pilot- shot down)

Great Uncle - Ray Southwell Merchant Marines - Korea

Father - Ronald Hughes - US Air Force Ret.

Father in Law - Louis Boehm - WWII Airforce - POW (purple heart - bombadier shot down in Nazi Germany)

Uncle William Hughes - Navy

Uncle James Hughes - Air Force

Brother In Law - Alan Boehm US Army

Cousin Ed Nielsen - US Navy Ret.

Although she isn't "blood" family - I also consider Tracy Manous - daughter of my best friend. This navy girl has already spent six months at Guantanamo Bay as well as time in the Persian Gulf. Yes, I am humbled by my family...and friends.

I've been assimilated....SIGH.

Seriously. Seems like since the first part of April, life has been a multiple car pileup - on the freeway - and me with no AC....oh and an empty gas tank too. I need nitrous, man.

I started the month by watching my dad for a few days. I was just coming off of my own personal pity party about a grant that would have COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE...lol.not, and I was trying to figure out what to do with my writing "dream" (snort) And I got thwacked to the pavement. I got this horrid sore throat that wouldn't respond to anything, and by the end of the afternoon, I was dragging...I finally went to the dr on Friday. He says it may be "silent reflux" (sounds like a cheap sci fant flick, huh...) whatever it is it's makin' me miserable and the TPB's are of limited sympathy when their sox are dirty and their bowls are empty.

But back to the Dad. He's gone, in the past month - from getting up every day to not getting out of bed - except to go to the bathroom - and by the way that little task is now a "potty chair" - the hospital bed and pulley system (so he can get out of bed) comes in on Wednesday. We're told he has about a month. YEAH. That's a BIG ONE, people. I'm deeply, deeply aching about it. And I can't get any of the ache out right now. So - I'm slightly cranky. Just a little more than normal.

Then there's work. The second two weeks of April - we prepped for and moved our offices next door. Mine's bigger now - more plants and a chair (like I need a place for peeps to park) but our files in the back are chaotic, we moved ourselves (except for desks and file drawers) I'm still toasted from the event. My "new" copeep is still trying to adjust to the tragedy in her life (her ex was killed and now she is a full time mom) and she usually doesn't work a full forty - which means since we already needed 2.5 office drones - and she's only .75 - I have to pick up the slack. AND - we have a major audit coming up in June (our main contract - five years of invoicing and they will go over all of it. Should be her job, but it's landing on my hide)

OH, and - My older boy graduates in ten days, and my MIL will be here in four days.

Needless to say - I'm not getting any rest, I'm working like a hebrew slave - my body is stressed, my heart is broken and I'm expected to be productive and joyful WOW!

And that's why I haven't been blogging. LOL.

I did get a raise...it's been three years. I was shocked.

So...I probably won't be my normal self until I get the manchild graduated next week. After that - I should have a bit more time - and I want to come around and visit. But I may be a bit absent until the end of next week...

peace.

No really.

Astra mentioned polarization in his blog today, and I know in the past, friends have left because of the climate of blogtopia....While I am a confirmed Jesus Freek - I don't want to add to anyone's frustration - and I've never been here with the intent of "converting the great unwashed" or starting up the church of Tammy. But (and its a big but too) I feel the urge to comment specifically on one aspect of faith that is personal to me because of what I am going through specifically with my dad. I will say this: I am not going to use my page as a personal platform to run Witnesses off the bandwidth, nor do I promote the mindset that my church has the monopoly on who goes where when we all stop breathing. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just want to tell you, from my heart why my Dad's belief system is tearing a hole in my world. That's all.

So here goes: Our fam came over from da olt contry in the 1800's so that dey could vorship da goot Lort da way a goot Lootern does. That special blend of Norwegian Lutheran salt is encrusted in our DNA. It is who we are, and what we do. For what ever reason - my Grandma (dad's mom) broke from her heritage - and when my dad married and had HIS family - he never even considered going to church unless there was a wedding or a funeral. He wasn't even an EC Christian. My mom hated any kind of organized religion and they both despised any type of organization that knocked on their door with a bible in hand. I didn't start going to church until I met my hub and we decided to marry. Since he was Lutheran - it seemed like the logical choice. We joined a church, got married, had our first kid - and then my parents divorced. My dad started dating and got married - in a Methodist church. Then my step mom gets a visit from a Witness at her door - and decides she wants to start going back to the Kingdom Hall. She takes dad with her. By now - our kids are going to a Lutheran school.

Over the next few years, my dad got baptised, renounced his military career and started working on me and my family to join the Witness organisation. He told me my church didn't have the truth - and that I wouldn't be with him in the Resurrection. He told me he couldnt' come to any functions my kids were in - if they were part of our Lutheran church because my religion was a lie. I got the same treatment from my step mom. Even after my kids started going to public school, our choirs use a local Baptist church to hold concerts - my dad and step mom won't go because the concerts are held in a church that is run by Satan. In fact, all governments are run by Satan. Witnesses will not vote. They do not salute the flag. etc. And you may also know that they do not celebrate birthdays. That was a hard one for my kids. And me since I am my dad's only child. On a personal note, he almost missed my college graduation because it was the same weekend as their assembly.

I tried studying with my dad, up to the point he told me that Jesus was not resurrected but recreated as the archangel Michael. It took everything I had to stand up to my father and tell him I could not study with him anymore. After that point, I saw him maybe a few times a year and he only lives forty minutes away. You see, now that I have been told the truth and I have dismissed the truth - I am an apostate and he isn't supposed to associate closely with me.

I deeply love and respect my dad and I love and respect my step mom. She has made his life so much better than my mom did. Even though I have to run the now present gauntlet of well clad witnesses to even sit with my dad and hold his hand - I will do it. But it DEEPLY grieves me that I cannot even pray with him, I am not aloud to pray out loud around him (another witness rule) and he will die believing I am lost.

Yes. I am a Christian. I do belong to an awesome church. A church that encourages me to see the God in others and to be the hands and feet of Christ on THIS earth. A church that teaches me that ALL churches have hypocrits - so get over it. A church that teaches me that the most important thing is love. Agape love. Yes, I believe in miracles. Yes, I pray in tongues, but the ONLY benchmark I measure in any person of any other denomination or nondenomination is - Is Christ your savior - by faith alone? Is he the Son of God born, died and resurrected? If the answer is yes -then we have the common ground we need - all the other stuff is just man made hoo ha. Doesn't matter one bit if you do grape juice or wine or sprinkle lamb's blood on your door...sigh...

As for pagans, and diests and atheists and stripey cat worshippers - sure, you're not Christian and if God protects your right to believe He doesn't exist - it surely isn't my job to infringe, you know? You're not lost yet - not until you stop breathing. And a lot can happen in the last seconds of a person's life...

I don't judge my dad. I don't "hate witnesses" - but the way I have been treated makes me deeply sad....knowing in my heart that I have let him down by having my faith as part of my life, makes me sad. Knowing I have to remain silent as he slips away from me - makes me deeply sad. KNowing that his faith gives him NO PEACE makes me sad. He hopes he has done enough that he will come back. He doesn't know...and he is fighting his end. He is in pain. He cannot breathe....he's wetting himself...he's not eating or drinking....and his only daughter wont be there in paradise...this is what his church has taught him. I'd rather have him think he was coming back as a bug...ya know?

So that's my rant for the day. I hope I haven't offended anyone. That's not my intent. I dont have time or energy for polarization...I just love my dad....and I am losing him.

Peace.

In the middle of two major audits, an office move, coworkers at half wattage, a graduating senior, and a dying dad...my spawn decides to smartass a cop...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

So "it" was in the lunchroom - stabbing a chocolate milk with a plastic knife (its what they do...) and making a mess - and the lunchlady tells spawn to clean up chocolatey abomination. And spawn says ever so politely "No." and proceedeth from the lunchroom whereupon lunchlady enlists one fully armed member of Albuquerque Police Dept's finest - who sayeth to spawn "what's your name?" and Spawn replies "I'm not tellin ya." And cop replies "So do you want to clean up this mess or do you want to walk down to the office with me" and spawn says "Let's walk down to the office."

And I get a call that goes like this "Hello Mrs Boehm, this APD officer so and so and I am calling about your son" (a brief pause whilst I STROKE OUT!) Sigh.

So we are all still alive, Eric probably will get some nice lunch detention out of the deal and the cop and my hubby got a good chuckle out of the fact that Eric called the cop's bluff. Meanwhile - I'm trying to handle a fifty hour week at work, and Fred's grad plans - and last night when Pat told me my dad may have five or ten days....all I could do was sit on the edge of the bed, hold his hand, and tell him I love him...and rattle on about silly things like my kids...and the weather...and brace myself for any eye contact so I wouldn't cry...while six suited men in polished leather suits (bibles under arms) called him "Brother Ron" and eyed my family...as though we were nameless mongrels - that polite, distant, veiled disdain...sigh.

I don't know. My dad makes me ache. My job is overwhelming. My goals are toast. So I find myself obsessing over door chimes in the office and laughing at cops on the phone..."We have your son" YAY! GOOD FOR YOU! KEEP HIM PLEASE!"

Anyway....the next week will be a blur but I will try to pop in...I miss you. Please don't delete me from your page. I will be back - functional soon...I will.

I can't believe its been over a week since I was able to excrete a precious moment, let alone solidify a thought on my own personal rambling, incoherent blog page (note to self - minimize those adjectives, wilst thou?)

I spent last Sunday again with my Dad. Missed an important church meeting....he is now to the point where he doesn't get out of bed during the day anymore, at least not for more than a few hours...(note to self - quit using so many of these ...)

I've spent the past week preparing for a move at work. We only moved next door, but it was much like being keelhauled. (think uberwaterboarding) We spent all day Thursday and yesterday (which OH MY just happened to be the big FourFOUR for me) moving next door. We are expected to come in today to make sure we are functional (like that's ever been the case) for Monday morning. Then it's off to a "make a collage for your High School Senior" event, and a couples dinner for me and el Viejo...Right now? My TOENAILS hurt. Come on. I ride a desk chair all day. A work out for me is going TWICE to the coffee pot.

I still have so much to say - but have no time to say it. Perhaps tomorrow evening I will get on and post more on this site.

A couple of you are new...thank you so much for joining. I appreciate it. PEACE to you.

Today my heart is simply broken. I talked to my step mom who tells me my dad was unable to get out of bed at all on Tuesday, only got up for a few hours on Wednesday, and Thursday and is still in bed today...

The thought of losing my dad simply eclipses everything else in my life that is not mandatory. I have to work, we are moving into another suite in the building and selling the building, we are preparing for an audit, and we still have several financial returns to prepare...not like I can just bawl like a baby at my desk. Fred is ramping up for graduation in less than four weeks...and my heart just aches.

I have agreed to watch him on Sunday. I have to take every opportunity because the cold truth is....the opportunities are slipping away.

Peace.

I was in church last night during praise and worship and finally....finally saw an image while my eyes were closed....I don't call what I see "visions" because - well, that sounds haughty, you know? But sometimes during praise and worship I see images.

This one was very simple: A small stone basin, almost like a stone age corn grinder, but this was a light marble, and water was bubbling up from it, spilling down the sides. I saw no water source but it was spilling out just the same.

I've been dry for such a long time. I'll take any water I can get. I'm going to hang on to this image for awhile....

Peace.