TL Boehm - Writer

I am almost out of time

The more I struggle

The tighter the grip

On my tired mind

How can one small heart

Be so full

Of dust and air

And the resonant remnant of

Life

The scarred mark of each

Insensitivity

Set to splinter

So deep I cannot dig it out

There are no words

Just this circular path I’ve worn

An un-removable groove

Furrowed lineage of

Rebels and tyrants and the unwashed

Yapping jackals

Finally silent

I’ve run out of words

Saying everything

To say nothing at all

TL Boehm 

04/06/13

“Pale pink satin worn out in a week. But you loved you the most.” Rock A Little " Stevie Nicks

Zephyrs gentle on a southern summer

Dusky days settle hazy in the back of my mind

Air sweet with honeysuckle and magnolia

Cicada songs and the blur of heat on a tarred road

We drifted through moments

Bathed in light and life

Never surrendering to squall lines on the horizon

When jonquils bow to the gathering weight

Of chaos born in the vortex

Casting shadows saturnine

Clawing at the curve of the earth

We were simply swept apart

I found you bound

Wedding lace and weary words

Run down in the gauntlet of wild moments

The ephemera of small fantasies

Crushed In the throes of fickle souls

The fainter heart closed her door

Feigning spring in the midst of winter

And you dance with no music

To carry you past the pain

We will never dream again

But I remember

Twisting daisy chains

Summer rain found us breathless

Headlong in the green grass

Your laughter an epitaph

Keening love songs to the ghost of you

“You say…Nothing.

That is how songs are written.

Stories are told. Rumors are started” Rock a Little - Stevie Nicks

TL Boehm 

04/03/13 

You are never happy 
Again, he chants the sad mantra 
Of a life spun out in threadbare patches
Pain etched in weathered eyes
Gray green like late summer grass 
Burned by the whirring blade 
Again she says…if only we were friends
Under breath held to quell the deluge of 
I can’t be your everything
Then anything
You ever were is nothing 
In the soft blur of days that drip 
Empty windows scarred with the memory of 
Rain. 
And I
Am so brittle
Harsh light behind your eyes
Hostility disguised as loving correction 
The caress of fire on kindling
My petty dreams the memory of smoke in your lungs
Just breathe me in
Shallow
Ripples across this thin skin 
Break the surface tension
I ache to be something more than 
Empty words
Penciled afterthoughts in margins
Eventually illegible 
In the steady decay of days
I am never happy 
Lost in the transience of you 
03/11/13 TLB

I used to think that I could fly 

Held aloft when I closed my eyes

Earth a bauble below me stayed 

In perpetual retrograde

I used to dream of heady things 

Effervesced on gossamer wings 

A world of petty dreams I made 

In perpetual retrograde

When I awoke it was too late

Vision fades when you hesitate

Capricious fantasy will fade

In perpetual retrograde

I'm earthbound now and gravity

Has left a terminal mark on me

This truth is a fatal move I played  

In perpetual retrograde 

TL Boehm 

08/29/12

So, I got a wild hair lodged and signed on to Writers Cafe - and just wrote this. No edit, no thought - just what ever came out. 

Sometimes it seems my world is so small
My POV - a bland wall
Studded with scant moments:
Digital whispers of my legacy
A young man's smile effervescent
Facing his future in cap and gown
My heart skips with that mix of ache and pride
Another man
Temples gray and that impish grin
The last birthday cake he ever shared with me
My hand reaches up but I cannot touch you, Dad
"Do you remember,
when it was like September?"
Pinned up equines splashing through surf
as I tick off the days

A frosted claret vase, left by some young thing
Silk flowers sunny yellow, cool blue and lavendar
Clay sculpted toothy worm monster poised to eat a boy
Look closer - he's peed in the pastel dirt
Random shots of blue eyed boys rest on my blonde wood desk
80's music drifting from my radio
Jungle green growth dances lightly
Draped on black steel file cabinets
My back to the window
Cars passing by
And the late summer sky
yes
My world sometimes so small
Lose myself in the crave of an electronic universe
Colors and light and words
So much warmer than the stale coffee in my cup
Strike a match and let it burn
away...
TL Boehm

091609 

“How will we feel a generation from now…
I ill love you….
I can’t wait  I can’t wait
If I’m wastin’ my time while you make up your mind now baby” (S. Nicks “I Can’t Wait”)

So I’m fallin back over twenty five years
A generation from here in my mind
Those tears that made me blind
That burned out place where dreams disappear
And your little girl soul gets left behind
Scared as hell at what I’ll find

“Days go by
Leaving me with a hunger
I could fly
Back to when we were younger
When adventures like cars we would ride
And the years lied ahead still untried
While I stand here
Waiting for your change of heart...” (Change of Heart – Cyndi Lauper)

Life has a way of shifting gears
Rev your engines till you’re in the red
So much road noise drowns out what you said
Destiny is the driver who steers
Against the wind and the dreams in your head
Abandons you on the side of the road for dead

“Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose
I would tell myself what good you do
Convince myself
It's my life” ("It's my Life" Talk Talk)

didn't I cling hard enought to delusions
Wishing them hard to reality
Manifest my own destiny
Was it love or just confusion
Am I a prisoner am I free
Some one else shares this road with me

“I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Till the end of time”  (Father Figure - George Michael)

So I settled for less than everything
To be someone elses for ever flame
I left my dreams and my name
A well trod path in the shape of a ring
So we all end up the same
Wishing we were back from where we came….

If I’m wastin’ my time
I will love you
I stand here
I will love you
Till the end of time
I will love you..I will love you….
Convince myself…I will love you….
TL Boehm

030509

The meter is off - but then...I don't go back there much because....because...I don't want to regret...
Peace.

The sun rests cold
On the bones of winter
Bleached mirror of oneself
Shedding light
But no warmth
With the tenacity of sinews
I am tied to you
Drawn in by the solidarity
Of shared intentions
Tethered until death parts us 
I'm starved for intimacy
Heart stretched taut
Thin skinned belonging and attachment
Characteristic covenant of a lie
Your drum song litany of sorrow
Wasted on empty air
Our mutual decisions shackle me
This reciprocal forgiveness
The pleasantries of acquaintances
Quaint values wasted 
Bands of gold identifying markers
The dirge of mutual caring
whispered fireside stories of life
Enhancing spirit
Walks a well tread path to a shallow grave
This passing of our forever friendship
Trade better for worse
The sun rests cold in this soul of winter
Remembered warmth in your arms
Fades away.
TL Boehm
01/28/09
 
I'd like to think it was more creative than saying I'm peed at the hub for leaving me wait in a cold car all night last night, but maybe not.
I was planning to go home, to enjoy some desperately craved quiet time, to catch up on the little things like blogging and sock mating and choking down banana nut muffins the other peeps revile, and so I left work with a light heart and big dreams only to be crushed when my key wouldn't fit in the door...
I called the spawn who was clueless as only a 17 year old male rocking out with a microphone and band can be...I called the HOH:
"I'm locked out of the effin house."
"So what are you going to do."
"I guess I'm gonna sit in the effin' cold car in the driveway for four hours."
"Ok"
"FINE!"
Note to self - one cannot -no matter the velocity at which the instrument is thrown from seat to floor - SLAM a cell phone down in someones ear....sigh
So I alternated between engine and prayer and repeatedly checking the fence for a point of entry as long as it would have taken for my husband who had time available to come home and rescue me, the fair wife....then I sucked up my sticky ego and drove back to the office and worked for a few hours. I love my church. I love my family. I now understand intimately the priorities. And I will be sure to reciprocate as only a woman scorned and left locked out of her house can reciprocate. It won't be pretty - but I'm going to savor it.
Oh and of course the wee spawn capped it with a courtesy call "So aren't you glad I leave a pillow and blanket in the car? Oh and we had Carls Jr for dinner. (sounds of gratuitous slurping on a staw)" the little jerk.
Thus the ugly poem.
And now for the Bethany's Crossing update:
I was corresponding with another Christian Writer who is reading Bethany and is having difficulty following the story lines containing the demons. This writer has seen similar creatures during times of worship (pause for skin crawlies and eyebrow raising. Self crossing optional) Now, I'm not going to spiritualize it. For those of you who write, you know the situation: sometimes things just "come" to you without effort. Call it God, call it a good trip, call it pasta with garlic and cream sauce but sometimes the story, the poem, the character, the image, the song is just "there" for you. I purposely dumbed down the critters I was given. I wanted them to have NO power, in the story. I tweaked them intentionally. So to hear something like this from a reasonable person, of a similar faith and skill set (actually a better writer than I am and better in touch with faith issues) well...it leaves me scratchin the dome it does. Suffice it to say the story around the book is better than the story in the book.
So I'm off to do more year end stuff....it actually never ends, but I can dream - right?

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.  Katherine Hepburn

Altar-ed

Imbedded in my memory
Scratchy soundtrack moments at 33rpms
The wicked life I led
Wine soaked nights
Days steeped in bourbon blur
Pagan cadence to the sacred space
Thrumming drums of pen to paper
Cryptic rhythm of words slurred
In sweat and desperation
My imagination
I reveled in potential pleasure
So many suitors spellbound and broken
In my wake I take nothing
The carnal flesh set for sacrifice
On the altar of forbidden dreams
My mind sullied, body clean

And you came with sober notes
The subtle structure of a tempered life
Traded my tambourine
For shackles
Mother, wife….
Dry eyed I cleave to you
Under quiet skies
My mind recants
The rigid friction of your words
My body yours when this mind’s empty
Adequate sacrifice for the sanctuary
Of dreamless creeping sleep.

TL Boehm 070408 

I have learned that blood and bone
Are no assurance of love
That the parents who should protect you
Forget you
In the wake of their own unspun lives

I have learned that the newborn life
Once cradled in my arms
Won't consider my sacrifice
In the wake of unbridled rage
Love is a hollow lie

I have learned that I am a monster
Murderous and cruel
Selfish and judgemental
Producing bitter fruit
That withers on the vine

I have learned that the world
Doesn't love a dreamer
War and tragedy churns
In the belly of Babylon
The meek are weak expendable
Casualties of circumstance
Destined for demise

I have learned there is no sanctuary
No refuge from the malice
Washing over me like sleet
On a winter day
My heart is cold stone
I am lifeless

I have learned that intoxicants
Only fuel the ache
magnify this emptiness with
shallow platitudes
The flavor of the day
Scraped off the spoon tomorrow

I have learned
I still don't know how
To give up the little dreams
In the silence of my soul
I gather them piece by piece
Hiding them from myself
For fear I'll do me harm

I have learned I should love myself
I have learned....I don't know how to love

04/05/08

starlit spectre
on crescent thoughts descend
the lonesome days I spend
apparitions disappear in daylight
Like whispered promises
of friends

celestial solace
nocturne's daydream
on pinioned wing visions stream
the sparkled rush of lovers hands
cross silvered sands
mercurial stream

Cast away imagination
Set to flight in ravened skies
the ghost of hope now flies
shh don't wake me

to the harsh light
I despise.....
TLBoehm

032808 (thank you Sharon)  

“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.”

The witching hours between
Onyx nightmares - and dreams that sparkle at first light
Find me catatonic amongst my secrets and inuendos
Ragged shell
an insinuation of skeletal existence locked
Emotional rigormortis
Hushed, suspended and supine
Stasis waits, hesitating
For the thrumming drums of life
a message of motion
sensual resurrection
That whispered music
melodic song my confidant
The rush of blood
This exhalation across lifeless lips
Speaks nothing into the void
So I do not breathe
In my skin that crawls beyond darkness
Recoiling from oblivion
I thought you loved me
Yet you are without utterance
And my heart breaks straining
For a note of music
and the silence ringing in my ears
A regretful requiem
Careless undertones
mimic this rumor of survival
Suspended I am
Unsung

TL Boehm

02/28/08 

"If your body matches what your eyes can do; You'll probably walk right through me on my way to you." Finger Eleven

Thought I was unbreakable
Yet I crumble in ruins
Lost in the wake of your gaze
My logic slips away
Defenses fail
And I'm that wild creature at your feet
Begging for release
But you don't see
you move through me

Thought I was immovable
Yet you flood my thoughts
Rapids rushing over me
Incredible intensity
Energy
I want to ride this wave
But I am face down in your eddies
Shallow sensibilities defeat the flow
But you could not know

Thought I was infallable
Yet around you I'm not sane
Unable to contemplate the danger
Of my obsessive point of view
I look forever but never see
Your eyes looking back at me
Invisibility
You move through me.

TL Boehm

11/03/07 

Dark Star
She sits staring out the window
Slowly filling up with light
Such a sweet illumination
Doesn't reach her heart left in the night

Can you feel the drumbeat
The song inside your brain
Wakes you from your sleep
Whispering again

Circling in the blue sky
Contemplate the clouds that fade
Scattering in the spring breeze
Like dreams and plans she made

Can you hear the voice
Past that calls to you
Shatters the facade
Lets the hard truth pierce through

What is this reality
Torment me with what might have been
When all I see in front of me
The empty girl unlit within

I know who you are
Drumming in the night
Somedays I am the dark star
In a sky that sheds no light

TL Boehm 04/29/06

Rewind My Days

Wisdom of years
Is like salt in my tears
Bitter on my tongue
Wishin’ for ways
To rewind my days
And start over when I was young

I’m gettin’ gray
And sad to say
So unsatisfied with this life
I’m a broken child
Unreconciled
To this place called mother and wife

It’s a dangerous place
Behind this face
Is a brain that can’t comprehend
This cruel ticking clock
This stumbling walk
From my beginning to my end

A flickering light
In the starfilled night
Just what legacy will I leave
The day that I fly
Tel me who’s gonna cry
Who would miss me enough to grieve

04/2006

The Life of the Party

I raise the glass to my lips
Once again I come to grips
With what and who
I really am
You know no one
Gives a damn

Ain’t this the life
Livin’ for another drink
And to what depths
Will I sink
If you’d only
Stop and think
What am I doin’
Who am I foolin’

Ain’t this the way
To slowly waste my soul
To achieve nothing
What a bitter goal
Diggin’ myself
A big black hole
To bury myself in
The empty bottle I win

Each day I wake up
With sunlight in my eyes
Drink myself to hell and back
But the sadness never dies
The life of the party
Is the one who cries
That’s who I really am
No one will give a damn

TL Boehm
1994

The hard stuff and PMS

Waitin’ (For the Lights To Fade)

Come kiss me
Taste the blood on my lips
See the stains on my fingertips
Come feel me
Hold me close to you
You’ll be there when I’m through

Red wine
And a razorblade
Hey Darlin’
I got it made
Waiting
For the lights to fade

Ain’t you happy?
Don’t you feel so good?
Baby I knew that you would
Ain’t you proud?
Knowin’ you’re the reason why
So I’ll let you watch me die

And when the lights go down
And all my teardrops fall
You’ll be the one to cry
You’ll be there to see it all
And when it’s all over
I’m the one who’ll have it made
Leavin’ it all on you
After the lights all fade

TL Hughes
6/20/85 

What It Means

Thunderin’ distant mountain
Tiny raindrops start
Open up the window
Let lightning split my heart
Tear me apart

Heat feels cold at midnight
Pull blankets all around
Lyin’ in the middle of nowhere
No pleasure in this town
Gonna drown

This is what it means
To be lonely
This is what it means
To cry
Gonna die

Wind blowin’ round the corner
Cryin out to me
Whisperin’ salvation
But it can’t set me free
Destiny

Light too dull and lonely
Draw circles round my space
Solitary confinement
No smile on my face
Out of place

TL Hughes
3/20.27/85