Star Child - For Fred Boehm
This page page is dedicated to my first son - Fred with infinite love. The picture is Fred performing with his High School Swing choir circa 2008. There are more poems that will eventually go on this page. The few entries below are those migrated from various blog pages. There will also be those entries already at this site that are just on the wrong pages - I will move them as I clean up this site.
You can see Fred performing in the 505 competition set recorded in Tampa FL in 2010 on my "Tammy's Boys" page
October 28, 2006
To my Son:
I know what its like to stare off into the space in my room, my head, my heart. Wondering what the hell happened. What will happen. What didn’t happen.
I see you when you aren’t looking. Finding you in that place between “my baby” and “hers”
Wondering what your life will be like in five years – in ten – in a lifetime that spins away from mine more quickly by degrees.
All the days when you were small enough to crawl up in my lap and all I wanted was my freedom.
Now you stand poised on the edge of forever – pinioning your strong wings
I cry when you don’t see. Begging for one more moment of having you look at me with those innocent denim blue eyes like your dad…knowing you’re on your way to your own life. A wife… a family and me getting older as days fall into darkness. I already miss you.
I know it tears you down some days. The drama, the trauma and the countless confusion, disillusion and lessons learned that life is not fair and some people don’t care. They just thrive on sucking the life out of you a sip at a time. And all I ever wanted for you was everything and a bag of chips.
I look in the mirror and wonder where your mama went and who is this moody bytch who growls at you daily and makes nothing but demands and the hands that once cradled you are worn and torn with years that have not been kind. Somethings just never should’ve happened but they did and I pray in the dark that you will continue to find a way to smile like you do when all you want to do is beat the shit out of the next person who gets in your face. Anything to erase the disappointment of years of sharing till it hurts.
Happy Fred – everyone loves a guy who can make ‘em laugh. So many times I have laughed through tears at the child in you. You heal my own broken girl in ways you will never understand.
Star Child. It gets better. For people like you – even blemished you shine on the horizon of my own sky in a light that never fades. I see the immortal spark. Feel the flame. Its there even when to you there is nothing but ashes and twilight. You are that moment of illumination. A constellation. And I am here to see it. Where ever you go…know that you glow…and I love you. I have always – loved you with a ferocity and a shamelessness that would enable me to kill or die but kill first. Because that’s what you do when you have something precious. Know that you are precious.
When the shit hits the fan Fred and you are down wind of the blades…remember I see you unblemished. Unscarred. Unscathed. We only have a few more years of this before I loose you and you gain you…be patient. Be strong. Your life waits on strong wings and blue skies. I know you will fly…
I love you Fred.
Gentle spirit flitting free
So quickly the road turns
I cannot see
Transparent the future
Fleeting your time with me
What the future brings on sunburst wings
The measure of your destiny
Summersaults in aspen leaves
Dancing in the winds of change
Capricious dream you weave
Solitary sadness seaps
Raindroplets dripping under eaves
When you fly away forever
You'll take my light and I will grieve
Soar aloft sweet summers song
The distance grows
Nights grow silent, long
If I blink for just one moment
I'll look again and you'll be gone
Butterfly my child swept away
Now a man forever gone....
I don't know how it is with you - when you write...how much of your real life you superimpose over the image onto the page. For me - I am so much more real on paper than I am face to face - unless you really know me...This shell - I hate it. The way it looks...what it says. But if you could see my soul. My heart. That is the real me. Not the aging fat chick in the picture. I'm not in the loop again. Its just that the picture yesterday reminded me of my older son, Fred. He is doing what young men do....he is growing. Spreading wings in the morning light...and while part of my soul sings - you cannot know what it means to me - the broken one - to have a normal son - part of me clings fiercely to my baby. Wanting to protect him from pain. From danger. And in the end knowing the best and the only thing I can do is let go, because if I cling to tenous wings...they will tear...and the butterfly will be damaged. It just hurts. I finally have this wonderful person in my life...and he is already leaving me by degrees.
No bits of lace and ribbon
No flowers for your hair
Just tiny trucks and airplanes
Toy soldiers everywhere
No ruffly pink cotton dresses
Pearl buttons sewn with care
Just big Tshirts and faded jeans
That’s what you’ll choose to wear
You won’t understand the love and ache in my heart
As I help you grow up to grow away
But I would not trade you for a ray of light
In a life of black and rainy days
Hey there rock and roller
My little toy soldier
I watch you dance alone
You’re my ray of son light
But one day you just might
Burn brighter than I’ve known
Will you still be dancing
When you are grown
Rubber scorpions in your pocket
Mario world in your dreams
Catching stars and crashing cars
A warrior on the TV screen
Pokemon are the only monsters
And when you fight you always win
Will your real world be as cool a place
As the digital ones you’ve seen
And I offer up a little thanks for you
Every time I close my eyes to pray
Keep on dancing to your song boy
You’ll never grow to old to play
9/95 3/17/99 10/25/99
For Fred Boehm – watching Fred dance…